Ripped By mstoll
'Dear Sir or Madam.
I asked for blue flowers for my husband's wreath
and you sent him purple.
Therefore I do not see why I should pay for something
my husband doesn't like.'
'Dear Mrs Barrack...
er-er...
Who is it?
It's me.
Password.
Oh, I love you.
I love you.
Mmm.
- Why aren't you at the shop? - Oh, I had some paperwork.
Anyway, Jenny's there. Why aren't you at the office?
Oh, I had some boring things to do in my lunch hour,
so, as you weren't at the shop,
I thought I'd come here and look at you, first.
Make sure I wasn't imagining it all.
- Have you eaten? - Er, no. Erm, I haven't got much time.
Well, there's some bits and pieces in the fridge.
I'll make some coffee in a minute.
There's no need to sniff, everything in there is fresh.
Oh, use the milk in the jug first.
And there's a glass on the shelf behind you.
And close the fridge door properly.
Poor darling, nobody's looking after you today.
It must be hell being a married man.
There, last one!
All done.
- Hello. - Hello, mmm.
Ooh, I can hear some paper rattling in your pocket.
Er, yes, you can.
- Is it a present? - Er, yes.
- Will I love it? - I don't think so, it's for Helen.
Sorry.
It's alright - it's alright!
- It's just a little... - No, I don't want to know what it is.
It's just something she, er...
Look, Max, I could have lied,
I could have said it was for you,
but I have to lie at home.
Let me tell the truth here.
What is she like? You've never told me.
She's nice, very nice.
No, I mean what is she like to look at?
Well, she's, erm... She's, er, fairish,
and she's, er, she's, er, smallish,
and, er, she's sort of very attractive.
What do you mean 'sort of'?
I mean, she's sort of very attractive...
in a way.
Don't you think this smallish, fairish,
sort of attractive in a way, nice person
would like her present wrapped in some decent paper?
You're fantastic, do you know that?
It doesn't mean I'm not frightened, you know.
I feel that I am in some kind of race with her.
Here we are both charging unconditionally
towards our glittering prize.
Nobody really wins, of course.
One day it's her and one day it's me.
I never did buy her a daisy.
I love my daisy.
You wrap the present, I'll make some coffee
and then we can both go and do your boring lunch hour.
We get into some funny places, don't we?
We do, yes.
Not much time for build-up.
No.
You're wearing different aftershave.
- Different? - Mmm.
Different from the stuff I bought you.
Ah, yes, that's because I have to keep yours at the office.
So how do you keep them both separate?
I mean, if you come to me wearing hers,
you must sometimes go to her wearing mine.
That is true.
Doesn't she notice?
Yes.
So how do you explain?
I lie.
- What do you say? - Anything that comes into my head.
I just close my eyes and deliver an explanation,
and pray that God is in his heaven.
Supposing he's had to go out?
We have an arrangement,
he only goes out on Sundays.
The day you don't see me.
Right.
But I know so little about you?
You know all you need to know.
But what are you really like, I wonder?
I mean, what are you like to live with?
Are you bad tempered, do you sing in the bath,
are you untidy?
Would I still like you if I spent three whole days with you?
You'd be helplessly trapped.
But I should like to find out for myself.
You shall.
- When I wonder? - Tonight.
We are going to spend the whole weekend together,
starting tonight.
- How? - I don't know yet!
Oh, that sort of promise! So when are you going to ring me up
and say, 'Sorry, honey, something's just cropped up.'
Just wait for me, that's all.
Just wait.
Ah, good.
So we can have our lunch.
Ah! So we are finally 'going fishing' together.
- We are, yes. - And where,
where are we 'going fishing'?
- Brookmere. - And when?
You're ringing me at four o'clock in the morning
to remind me to get up.
Four o'clock? Dear God, who's going to remind me?!
Well, we'll sort my life out first and then we'll get onto yours.
Ah, you mean you're going to dissolve Nancy?
Oh, come on, it can't be that bad.
We had salad last night.
Salad makes a man think.
Ah, well, I'm a steak and chips man myself.
It was crisp and new crunchy lettuce,
bold celery, defiant tomatoes,
snap, crackle and pop spring onions.
Oh, and a pizza,
which bore all the visual characteristics of a manhole cover.
Have you ever thought of getting a job as a menu composer?
- Crunch, crunch... - Yes, well.
Crunch, crunch.
Oh, come on, don't you think you're being a bit unreasonable?
I mean, you can't actually suck a salad, can you?
Why? I thought why do I have hate the way Nancy eats salad?
Well, I suppose when you fall out of love with someone,
you hate everything about them.
You know, I remember my first girlfriend.
She had this endearing little habit of wrinkling her nose.
I used to sit for hours thinking about her little white teeth
and her little wrinkled nose.
Then towards the end of our relationship, every time
I looked at her all I could see was this giant rodent!
I was that salad, of course.
They were my bones on her plate. Crunch, crunch.
Simon, I bet when you first met Nancy,
the thought of her eating a salad
brought fire and thunder to your extremities.
There was a little green caterpillar too.
I expect it was me trying to escape.
Well, what did you do, run into the garden
and tuck it up in an antirrhinum?
I let her eat it.
Yes.
Mmm.
It was Simon.
What?
It's time to go fishing.
Oh, yes! Right.
Oh, oh.
Ooh, I don't know why you're going fishing,
you hate fishing.
You keep saying that, Helen.
I don't hate fishing. I like fishing.
You like just sitting there.
Even if I like just sitting there, what does that matter?
You like just sitting anywhere.
On the seventh day, Helen, 'thou shall rest'.
That's what the man said.
Mmm. He was probably planning your afterlife.
He needs a gnome for the heavenly gardens.
Where are you going?
Make your sandwiches.
No, that's alright! I'll do that you - you go back to sleep.
No, no, I can do that after you've gone.
Oh, God.
Mmm.
Hello. Oh, Simon.
Yeah, it's just a... just another reminder, that's all.
Thanks, thanks. Everything alright?
Yeah, fine. Yeah, everything's fine.
We're - we're having a small bout of perfect harmony.
Oh, good, good.
I'll see you on Monday.
What's so funny?
You, darling, you're funny.
Why?
Because it's four o'clock in the morning,
and you're a man, and men are funny and I love you.
Well, I'll see you when I see you then.
Yes, darling, yes, when we next meet you're bound to see me.
Well, I won't say a time.
No, darling, don't say a time,
then I won't know whether you're late or not.
- Bye. - Bye, darling.
You look very sexy in that outfit,
what a shame it's going to be wasted on Simon.
- Will you be alright? - Yes. Will you?
- Yes. - Bye, darling.
Bye.
Now don't forget, be kind and gentle.
To the fish.
Oh, yeah!
Mmm.
- Hi. - Hi.
Mmm.
You've still got your knickers on.
I'm shy.
What do you want for breakfast?
Mmm, you.
And after that?
Egg sandwiches.
Egg sandwiches?
I've brought my own.
We mustn't be guilty, must we?
No.
We only have one life.
Yes.
And somebody has to get hurt,
her or... me or... you.
Or the milkman, or the postman.
I mean it-it all depends on whose turn it is, doesn't it?
- Doesn't it? - Yes.
- Alright? - Wonderful.
What shall we do today?
Anything, anything you want.
What do you usually do on Sundays?
Oh, fidget mainly.
- Is that all? - Well, it's surprising
what you can do in a bout of fidgeting.
Paint cupboards, pay bills, mend washing machines,
put endless plugs on electric things,
so Helen can function as a housewife without breaking her nails.
Do you ever go out anywhere?
Yes, we go to the Lawsons'
- for dinner. - And?
And the Lawsons come to us for dinner,
and we and the Lawsons go out for dinner.
And in between dinner and the Lawsons'
we eat Dundee cake, which Betty Lawson made,
and they eat walnut biscuits, which Helen made.
No, I mean, don't you and Helen ever go out alone together?
Yes, on the way to the Lawsons'
and on the way back from the Lawsons'.
Supposing we go on a picnic?
We could have a lunch picnic,
and then we could come back here and loll in front of the telly,
and I could make us a salad supper.
Ohh, sounds wonderful.
You and salad - crunch, crunch.
Alright, you, get up.
What about the bathroom?
What would you like to know about the bathroom?
Mmm, what state's it in? I mean, is it available?
Is it uncomplicated?
Will I be able just to wander in
or will I have to hack my way
through festoons of tights and bras?
Will the soap make me smell like an old lavender bag?
And when I slip on your body-oil, will the tap
which I grab for support be covered in hand cream?
I mean, will I survive?
Or do you think you should just come in there with me,
just in case?
Do you ever share?
The last time I shared a bath was with a pet duck.
I was nine at the time, and she was still yellow.
It's just that I want everything to be different.
You see, I want it to be different from home.
Run the water then.
Well, look, could you give me a piggyback?
You see, I tread on the floor at home.
Get up!
Won't be a minute, the cat won't come in.
Rabbit didn't come out, did he?
No.
Okay, coming.
Have you checked the bird?
Oh! Seed.
God, I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
So, you've got everything now?
I mean, you don't want to go back for the cooker?
I'm sorry but when you said suddenly
that we might stay the night out...
I'm sorry, I only thought about it in the car.
Well, I wasn't prepared.
- It's alright, it's fine. - Well, I didn't...
The other rabbits, they have food containers,
but these two are house creatures.
It's alright, it's fine.
It is alright, okay?
I just hope they don't pee on my back seat, that's all.
'Now I'm falling in love with you.'
Excuse me.
Yes, Jo.
I drop egg.
Oh, it's alright, Jo. I'll clean it up.
It alright now, I hoovered it.
Er, Jo,
Hoover not for all things.
Is bad?
Hoovering eggs, very bad, yes.
Carpet only.
Don't you miss your children, Jo?
Miss? Yes, I miss.
How old are they?
Edwano, Juliano, Normado and Raphaello.
Oh, yes.
And what is your husband's name?
He 40 years and four other years.
I see.
Is bad.
No, no.
44 is good.
Husband is bad.
Oh, oh.
I not like.
How long is it since you last saw him?
He rubbish.
Ah, well, that's fairly final.
Your man busy.
Sorry?
Busy.
Always here, always there.
Oh, yes. He's always everywhere, except at home.
Ah, he got two hearts.
Yes.
Coffee?
Do you like me, Jo?
Yes! I like.
Am I dull, do you think?
Am I boring and predictable?
Oh, yes!
Should I greet him when he comes home from the office
wearing rosebud garters,
and Lurex knickers?
Should I run naked round the kitchen table?
Wear black wellies and tie myself to the banisters?
Or should I accost him in the shower
and instigate an absolutely indescribably totally abandoned,
utterly devastating naughty bath?
Is good!
Or should I just go on being nice?
Being here?
Max, how long are you going to be?
I'm just finishing the dishes, Luke.
Forget the dishes, come here.
I won't be long.
Max!
Yes.
Could you get this animal away from me?
He won't hurt you, you know, he is only a rabbit.
He's not only a rabbit, he's a rodent.
Rats are rodents, rats and mice.
And rabbits.
I always thought of him as only a rabbit.
You lift up his lip you'll see ratty teeth.
Get in the way of those, mate, it'll be like putting your hand
in a sewing machine.
Oooh...
- Is there any hot water? - Yes.
Good, think I'll have a shower.
Well, I'll probably be through here when you've finished.
Which is my towel?
Any one.
I've forgotten which one I use.
All of them, you've used all of them;
one for your bath, one for your hair,
one to stand on,
one to put round your neck while you shave,
and one... to swat a spider with.
What's all this?
Oh, we just have different ideas, that's all.
- About what? - Oh, about rabbits and rats,
and spiders.
I just don't like sharing baths with spiders,
and sofas with rodents, that's all.
He's not a rodent.
And I like my own towels, something wrong with that?
You sleep with me, you make love with me,
yet you're frightened of sharing my towel.
I'm not frightened, it's-it's-it's habit.
I'm not frightened of sharing your towel.
I love your towel.
I prefer your towel to my towel.
It's like part of you,
it's like your watch or your shirt or your car.
I don't understand all this.
I've even used your toothbrush.
I wouldn't use anybody's toothbrush but I would use yours.
You wouldn't use mine though, would you?
No.
Suppose we are trapped in a room with one toothbrush and one towel?
Is there going to be a spider and a rabbit in this room?
Only I like to know all the facts before I make a decision.
Ha-ha-ha-ha, right?
Look, we've had a lovely day,
we've laughed and picnicked and walked.
- All four of us. - Oh, so now it's the cat, is it?
I didn't mention the cat! Did I mention the cat?
'All four of us', you said pointedly.
Oh, God!
No use trying to get God on your side.
He made all of us - you, me,
rabbits, rats, spiders, and wives.
So that's it. Why are we doing this?
- What's happened? - I don't know what's happened.
Maybe it's being together in a house with our differences.
Maybe we're only meant to be lovers.
So, we know that.
We don't know that! You know that.
I keep having a dream of this little house.
Oh, God, not another little house.
Well, there's this little house,
and there's a man coming up the drive openly and honestly,
waving at the neighbours, kissing me on the doorstep.
Look, Max, I can't help these fantasies of yours.
That's because you've done it all before,
it's second time round for you.
It-it-it's just a chore.
Well, look at you, you're supposed to be my lover.
My gallant knight, you're supposed to come
charging into my house like a virile white stallion,
and you just stand there looking like a very old tree!
You're always spoiling things
when it's time for me to go. You're always doing it.
Well, maybe that's because you're always going.
Look what do you want me to do, tell Helen?
Do you want me to phone her?
I'll phone her.
'Hello, darling, I'm not actually fishing,
I'm having an affair.'
Alright? So then we have the lies,
the accusations, the guilt, the divorce.
- Then what? - Then you and me.
That thought terrifies you, doesn't it?
Hello.
Max.
Oh, hello, Jen.
- Am I interrupting anything? - No, no, no.
I couldn't wait to tell you, not the whole weekend.
Bruce and I are getting married in ten days.
Oh, Jen, that's wonderful news.
We were having breakfast this morning
and he said, 'I'm tired of charging between your place and mine.'
Well, that makes sense, Jen, that really makes sense.
Oh, Max, I can't believe it.
I mean, I know were engaged,
but it's only a ring, isn't it,
and nothing positive?
And now I'm going to be a genuine housewife
with a kitchen with lots of little buttons to push,
and - and I'm going to get gloriously pregnant
and have a budgie, and a sloppy spaniel, and...
Oh, Max, isn't Mother Nature persistent?
Jen, it's great news, I'm so pleased.
I know in a few years' time we might hate each other but,
we have to try don't we?
And we have to grab what we can off life's conveyor belt,
before it disappears.
Yes, Jen.
Bye, I'll see you at the shop on Monday.
- Yes, bye. - Bye-bye.
Do you want me to go?
Shall we go to bed?
Ripped By mstoll